King Fielder

I had an odd sense of déjà vu the first time I saw Buster Posey play last season, and it wasn’t until later, when I saw him flip up his mask, slide into the splits and make a great catch all while winking at a cutie behind home plate that I realized why. That didn’t actually happen. But the thing you have to understand about Buster Posey is that he is exactly Dottie Hinson (Geena Davis) in A League of Their Own.  They are body twins (same height! same butt!), with nearly identical batting stances and a tendency towards picturesque defensive plays. The similarities get a little eerie after that, if we are to believe the bleak predictions about Buster’s injury; they both played one fantastic season with abrupt, violent endings. Let’s hope that Buster’s collision at the plate is just a minor whoopsie in a long, illustrious career, unlike Dottie’s, whose sibling rivalry and desperate love for a limping Bill Pullman took her out of the game forever. Sad face.

 As for the rest of the members of the All American League…(I kind of screwed up here. No Canadians, Irishmen or Swedes). Tim Lincecum is a pretty clear choice for Kit Keller, Dottie’s epically irritating younger sister. Lincecum might not actually be annoying but he seems annoying. And they have the same haircut! Andre Ethier has proven himself to be a total Betty Spaghetti, because they are both so adorable and would be happy to make you a delicious dinner. David Ortiz would be Doris Murphy, with his winning personality and the fact that he would probably do anything (even make an athletic play!) to get to a hot dog. Dan Uggla IS Marla Hooch. They are solid second basepeople, with the same face, best seen from far way. Skip Schumaker plus a blonde wig equals Ellen Sue Gotlander. And as much as it pains me, Mae Mordabito’s counterpart would have to be Alex Rodriguez. I feel really bad about this one, because though they are both showboating ass hats, Mae is charming and A-Rod is A-Rod. And Manny Ramirez is the one that can’t read. I don’t feel I need to expound on that one any further.

Someone remake this into a movie!

From left to right: Buster Posey, David Ortiz, Alex Rodriguez, Tim Lincecum