In light of Jered Weaver’s suspension, Yadier Molina’s excess of spittle/sweat and Shane Victorinos’s existence, I think now would be the perfect time to discuss my favorite thing about America’s favorite pastime: the violence.
Baseball is the only major sport (golf is a game, not a sport) where physical contact is not necessary. It happens on occasion, when someone slides into second or is tagged out, but it’s usually a fairly gentle exchange. Since baseball players exist so separately from one another in the same space, it is exceedingly difficult to accomplish any sort of intentional physicality. Therefore any sort of attack takes thoughtful, and sometimes extensive, planning. Which is why it is so jarring and amazing when someone suddenly takes a step out of these parameters and acts outwardly aggressive. Especially these days, where pitchers’ personalities more closely resemble that of sweetie pie Sandy Koufax as opposed to badass Bob Gibson. (Though I have high hopes for Dallas Braden/ am keeping my fingers crossed that we get to see him scream at A-Rod at least one more time. You know, for the kids.)
Which brings us to the true purpose of this exercise: if you’re a pissed off baseball player who feels slighted and is trying to determine a course of action, there is only one question to ask:
What would Bob Gibson do?
And since I am officially authorizing myself to answer on Gibby’s behalf, let’s use the examples of the past couple of weeks to our advantage:
-The (little) Weaver was absolutely correct in being peeved. No pitcher, especially someone of his proven caliber, deserves to be so blatantly disrespected. BUT, as someone who could very well win the Cy Young/ whose team could absolutely make it to the post season, he should have handled himself better. He may only miss one start in his six game suspension, but that missed start and the potential loss it could cause could be huge this late in the season. Plus, taking it out on Alex Avila made Avila into a modern day whipping boy. Gibson would have waited for Carlos Guillen, personally. Maybe for years, just for the sheer torture factor.
-I believe Yadi actually was really just sweaty enough that it could no longer be contained solely to his person. The ump was just all up in his business, which means he was asking for it. I may have just created the perfect argument to acquit rapists. Though, either way, Gibson probably would have thrown a punch.
-Ramon Ramirez was wrong to bean Shane Victornio. Shane handled himself perfectly after his long shot, even following the very specific/ god forbid you hit a home run off of Gibson rules. (Don’t run too fast, don’t run too slow. Definitely don’t look too happy. Keep your head down.) So Shane was right to cause a ruckus. Though, I do think Ramirez’s reaction was the closest to how Gibson himself would have handled it, just for the fact that it was more of an eye for an eye situation. BUT, I hate Victorino for personal reasons SO, a quick aside: the other night at the Dodgers/Phillies game Ted Lilly hit Shane Victorino with a pitch by accident (I think). It was awesome and had zero repercussions. Unless, of course, Cliff Lee is the ultimate avenger and paid that debt by hitting a home run, and the possibility of that makes my brain hurt.
Finally, and most importantly, Bob Gibson would never dye his beard or wear a Hello Kitty backpack.
